St Claude and the Dragon
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a King and his Queen
ruled over a peaceful and prosperous land, with fertile valleys surrounded by
high mountains. The people were happy and contented, growing their crops and
tending to their flocks.
Unfortunately, it came about that a great inflationary
dragon began to prey on the country, wreaking havoc, burning crops and
villages. The spears and arrows of the soldiers appeared totally ineffective
and no-one knew what to do. The price of food went up and everyone was suddenly
much poorer. In the end, the Finance Minister propose that what they should do
was to strike a deal with the dragon -
by sacrificing a maiden to it every month so that it had enough to eat
and would leave the rest of the people and their livestock alone. These were
very politically incorrect times and so it was agreed, that every month there
was to be a ballot and some poor young girl was to be left out by the dragon’s
lair to be eaten alive. Everyone was very sad, but they all got on with life
and things were a bit better than when the dragon was wreaking havoc. The
economy prospered, in a sub-optimal sort of way, and prices came back under
control. The Finance Minister gave himself a pat on the back for a job well
done though the King wasn't so sure - surely they could aspire to do better
than this?
So the King promised a huge reward to any brave knight who could kill the dragon. Many tried and they all failed, mostly ending
up barbecued. And time passed until eventually, and inevitably, the name of one
of the King’s own two daughters was drawn. The Queen screamed at her husband to
do something, both his daughters cried and cried and the King summoned one of
the last two remaining knights who were willing to take on the dragon.
Sir Al was not a young man, though he had been a renowned
dragon-fighter in his youth. Nowadays, he preferred to play his saxophone in
jazz bars. Still, he put on his armour and strapped on his sword, before
setting off up into the mountains above the town to where the dragon had its
lair. There, he found the Princess, tied to a tree, but of the dragon there was
no sign. Fearlessly, Al wandered into the cave and crept forwards until he
could see a long green snout. It wasn’t moving. Al gave it a poke with his
sword. Nothing. He played his saxophone and still nothing. Clearly, the dragon
was dead.
Well, that’s a piece of luck, he thought to himself, as he
untied the Princess and set off back to the castle. ‘The dragon is dead’ he
proclaimed and everyone was so excited at the news that nobody went to check.
The King was over the moon and could not thank Al enough. He gave him his
daughter’s hand in marriage, and recommended to the church that they pronounce
him a Saint. Al went off to write his memoirs and to cash in on the lecture
circuit.
For quite a long time everything was fine. The crops grew,
the cattle got fat and the people got rich. House prices went up very fast but
consumer prices were well behaved and everyone felt very rich indeed. What
nobody seemed to realise was that dragons can sleep for a very long time and
hardly breathe at all when they do. But eventually, they do wake up and when
they do, they tend to be very hungry.
And of course, that is exactly what happened. Eventually, the
dragon woke up, looked out of its cave, couldn't find anything to eat and set
off in search of breakfast. It burnt down whole villages, killed all sorts of
animals and not a few farmers. Everyone was in a state of panic. Immediately,
they held a new draw to find a new sacrifice and this time, it was the King’s
second daughter’s name which came out of the hat. She cried, the Queen cried,
and the King went to call on the last remaining Knight – who had always been
the maddest of them all.
Sir Jean-Claude, whose friends just called him Claude, lived
at the top of a tower, down by the main
river in the valley. He had never believed that the dragon was dead because he
was a historian. ‘Dragons don’t just die, they can sleep for a thousand years’
he had been crying out. You can’t control them by good fortune; you need strict
monetary principles and an independent central bank, preferably a German one.’
Well, as before, the Princess was tied to a tree outside the
dragon’s cave and Sir Claude was dispatched to do his best. Nobody held out
much hope and they all went and hid in the homes.
Claude waited until evening when there was no-one out and
about. He put on his armour, for show, and fetched his sword. He also packed a
mule with explosives. Then off he set. He crept up as quietly as he could to
the dragon’s lair and unloaded a huge pile of explosives inside the entrance of
the cave. Then, he attached a long fuse and unrolling it, went and hid some
considerable distance away, connecting the other end to an electric ignition
plunger.
When Claude pushed the plunger down he set off an almighty
explosion. And a huge landslide, which sent boulders the size of houses
crashing down the mountain into the town around the castle. It was supper time
and everyone was at home. Hundreds of people were killed, not to mention the
devastation that was caused to crops and to the animals that were in the
fields.
‘Boff’ thought Claude, giving a very Gallic shrug and
lighting his thirtieth Gauloise of the day. ‘You can’t make an omelette without
breaking a few eggs, as they say’. The mountain had fallen down on top of the
dragon which really was dead this time. And by some miracle, the Princess was
still alive – just. She was very badly injured and would never look quite the
same again but she was alive. So, Claude picked her up, put her on the mule,
and brought her back down the mountain to the castle, where he expected to
receive the same lavish rewards as Sir Al.
The King saw his wounded daughter, looked around at the
total devastation and tried to kill Sir Claude, who fled for his life. That was the last that was seen of him though
rumours persisted that he had returned to his native land and was to be found
smoking, drinking Pernod and muttering about the need for constant vigilance.
Meanwhile, the destruction of infrastructure resulted in an outbreak
of deflationary plague. Many people died, others just moved away, so house
prices collapsed and businesses closed. The once-prosperous Kingdom, was
now populated mostly by the aged who could not leave, whose pensions were
inadequate to live off comfortably and who were saddled with the huge debt the
state had incurred in attempting to rebuild the broken homes and the broken
economy. But the dragon was gone and they tried very hard to convince
themselves they were now better off than before.